dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
