Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
