so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
FUCK WHALES
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
