A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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