Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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