I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
