Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
