grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
