Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
