I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
