Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
