I want to stick my p in your. b.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
