Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
