Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
