just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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