Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
