Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
