what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
