if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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