once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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