my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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