2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
