Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
