As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
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