I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dignity is for republicans.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
