Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
