Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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