I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
