dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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