Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
