then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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