how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
