i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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