Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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