Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I need to stop coming to work sober
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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