my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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