You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
