I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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