ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
