I hate your face
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
