Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
