why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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