I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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