i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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