I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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