Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
