I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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