Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
