mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The maid of honor just puked.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
