Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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